WELCOME TO HELL, my name is Monica and I'll be invading your personal space whilst pulling increasingly off-putting faces
I love Masterchef: The Professionals more than all its other incarnations (except for Australia) aside. This woman is why. Despite resembling Halle Berry's much homelier sister, inside her beats the heart of a true sociopath.
Monica rules over the first 10 minutes of any given episode with her 'skills test'. A 10 minute challenge of technique before a chef is even allowed on the same continent as Michele Roux Jr, let alone to cook for him. These challenges used to be sort of.... reasonable. Fillet a small fish and cook a bit of it. Butcher a chicken and make a mayo. Then they went ever so slightly bizarre as Monica demanded 10 minute souffle and for entire pastry concoctions to be presented to her. For spatchcocked chickens, for tempura ortolan, for entire salmons to be pureed into an ice cream and for someone to make a leprechaun jus.
The challenge itself is the least of the contestants' worries. Whilst they try to retain their dignity Monica starts gurning and she never really stops. This woman redefines the reaction shot with all the grace of a barn owl with electrodes attached to its nethers. Wide eyed, head tilted and utterly bemused.
It still isn't over for the poor contestants. Oh no, the poor bastards still have to have their 10-minute slow-cooked shoulder of lamb tasted and judged. Whilst lovely Greg tries to be reassuring and talks about flavour, Monica has invented a whole new scale for culinary judgment: how close she would allow any given dish to get to Michele Roux Jr.
Examples may include:
'I would show that to Michele but not let him eat it.'
'I would never show that to Michele unless forced to by some demonic order.'
'I would allow Michele to gaze upon your dish from afar with binoculars and to smell it.'
'I have made a restraining order for your cooking against the proximity of Michele.'
'If Michele was on holiday in a different continent, I would allow him to become aware of the existence of your dish'.
In summary. This woman is a genius. Or evil embodied. The jury is still out.
Monica rules over the first 10 minutes of any given episode with her 'skills test'. A 10 minute challenge of technique before a chef is even allowed on the same continent as Michele Roux Jr, let alone to cook for him. These challenges used to be sort of.... reasonable. Fillet a small fish and cook a bit of it. Butcher a chicken and make a mayo. Then they went ever so slightly bizarre as Monica demanded 10 minute souffle and for entire pastry concoctions to be presented to her. For spatchcocked chickens, for tempura ortolan, for entire salmons to be pureed into an ice cream and for someone to make a leprechaun jus.
The challenge itself is the least of the contestants' worries. Whilst they try to retain their dignity Monica starts gurning and she never really stops. This woman redefines the reaction shot with all the grace of a barn owl with electrodes attached to its nethers. Wide eyed, head tilted and utterly bemused.
It still isn't over for the poor contestants. Oh no, the poor bastards still have to have their 10-minute slow-cooked shoulder of lamb tasted and judged. Whilst lovely Greg tries to be reassuring and talks about flavour, Monica has invented a whole new scale for culinary judgment: how close she would allow any given dish to get to Michele Roux Jr.
Examples may include:
'I would show that to Michele but not let him eat it.'
'I would never show that to Michele unless forced to by some demonic order.'
'I would allow Michele to gaze upon your dish from afar with binoculars and to smell it.'
'I have made a restraining order for your cooking against the proximity of Michele.'
'If Michele was on holiday in a different continent, I would allow him to become aware of the existence of your dish'.
In summary. This woman is a genius. Or evil embodied. The jury is still out.
1 comment:
"I would allow Michel to become aware of the existential possibility of your dish, but not its physical presence in this world."
"I would put this dish 30 paces in front of Michel, so that he could approach it if he wishes without it startling him."
And, presumably, at the other end of the spectrum:
"I would put this dish so close to Michel it may involve hospitalisation."
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