Friday 28 January 2011

If you are sixteen and need to spice up your sex life, you are doing. It. WRONG.



Dear Channel 4. I’m not a prude. Well, I hope I’m not. I like to think I’m enough of a bleeding-heart liberal wimp that I can justify most non-mainstream behaviours by flagellating myself with the nearest copy of the Guardian. But ‘The Joy of Teen Sex’; what the hell were you thinking?


For those yet to see it, imagine ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ but only with teenagers, only sexual problems and hosted by James Corden’s sister. I never got the extreme voyeurism of shows like these, except when an ex-housemate I really never liked went on one once. That necessitated a viewing party and the development of a drinking game. The problem with this show is, despite whatever it pretends its intent is (‘To save innocent kiddies from bad things by showing you their wobbly bits to educate the world about er…. Oh look, it wobbles!’) even the title screams exploitation. There is NOTHING to see here in the Channel 4 pop-up sex shop that you couldn’t go to a GP or a GUM clinic for.


That’s not to say I’m against televised sex-education or shows that get families talking about sex. That’s healthy. But there’s no discussion here about emotion, connection, relationships or trust. It treats sex like you’re troubleshooting a problem with your computer. There’s an awesome turn it on/turn it off again joke there that I’m not going to make. And also a ‘have you made sure it’s plugged in?’ one that I will. If, for example, your boyfriend doesn’t want to go down on you and you’ve been going out for five years, maybe talking about your commitment and other things you can do might be more mature than essentially stuffing his face into her vagina screaming ‘LIKE IT! LIKE IT!’ until he pretends to. Honestly, that smile to camera afterwards made me want to throw up my fish supper (Not a joke, but some very lovely salmon).


Sex is nice. People are talking about it more. This is good. But let’s not pretend this is actual sex education. Hell, sex education professionals are even live-tweeting the show just to correct it (see @DrPetra). This is barely even Eurotrash.

Tuesday 11 January 2011

O.M.F.Glee


For the UK, the second season of the saccharine and sour combination of pop and sarcasm that is Glee returned to our screens this week. (9pm, Mondays on E4). For the cool kids, however, we're 10 episodes in and awaiting a Superbowl special that if it were to be anymore hyped would only join a coalition with a lesser show, say One Tree Shitting Hill, and just piss us all off.

After a somewhat uneven first five episodes, Glee finally got back into its stride and recently has been delivering pretty decent episodes, good character moments and fun song choices. Still, lest we forget last year Glee's hiatus (Madonna aside) gave way to a fair few sub-par episodes culminating in a truly terrifying version of Quinn singing 'It's a Man's Man's Man's World' accompanied by a pregnant lady dance routine that reminds me to this day of the swimming hippos in the old BBC1 idents. Or the Dance of the Hours in Fantasia. Something mildly sexist and anthropomorphic anyway.

So as Glee gears up for the half of the season that will, in all likelihood, define whether it will genuinely last for a good run or get so absurd its audience loses patience, let's look at some lessons the show needs to keep in mind:

Make Your Fucking Mind Up About Finn and Rachel!

Nobody's that invested in them anyway. In the space of the last 12 episodes of the show they have gone through an innumerable amount of Facebook style relationship statuses from 'single' 'its complicated' 'in a relationship' and 'tonguing the fit Jewish one instead'. Pick a play. Stick with it. Allow them to develop as a couple, cos' sure as hell when solo all they do is pine for each other. To an extent, that's OK, it allows Rachel to belt something awesome out but man angsty Finn is crap. If he isn't using pejorative words for homosexual, he's singing Bruno Mars or murdering The Doors. Enough. Satis.

Ease up on the GaGa

There was a GaGa episode. Hardly any time later 'Telephone' was featured. Now Glee has first dibs on 'Born This Way' to be used a freakishly short time after that single hits. We love GaGa, we do, but her overexposure doesn't need to be reflected in Glee. They have Journey for that.

You can have more than one plot at a time

Season 1. The Glee club aimed for Regionals and there was a teenage pregnancy
Season 2. The Glee club aimed for Nationals and there was homophobic bullying

Not to say these plots aren't done well, just that other by-lines that aren't necessarily relationship driven are perfectly fine to have as well. When you've got such a massive supporting cast, a few short-term B plots couldn't kill and could actually round out talent we don't get to see that much.


Create a new litmus test

This test should be 'Would they do that on the Disney channel?' If the answer is yes, don't do it. This would cut out over 50% of the inspiring speeches and make room for more Brittany and Sue.


More Tina and Mercedes!

Girls have been sidelined this year! Tina had one of the best moments of last season with her Asian vampire schtick and Mercedes could do with an actual plot. Preferably not one to do with her body image or to do with her desire for fried potato. Again.

Fix Mr Schue's multiple personality disorder

I don't get Will. Half the time he's being inspiring, ab-tastic and genuinely marvellous. The rest of it he's swanning around like a randy peacock with an engorged proto-penis. I have never disliked him more than in the Rocky Horror episode where he took advantage of the Glee club to try and get some clunge. It makes him so much harder to take seriously when he tries to teach them actual lessons.

Only one tribute episode per half of a season

Yay Britney. Yay Rocky Horror. Having two such episodes a mere three weeks apart murdered your momentum.