Pop Cult Death

If you are sixteen and need to spice up your sex life, you are doing. It. WRONG.

2011-01-28T15:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Channel 4. I’m not a prude. Well, I hope I’m not. I like to think I’m enough of a bleeding-heart liberal wimp that I can justify most non-mainstream behaviours by flagellating myself with the nearest copy of the Guardian. But ‘The Joy of Teen Sex’; what the hell were you thinking?

For those yet to see it, imagine ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ but only with teenagers, only sexual problems and hosted by James Corden’s sister. I never got the extreme voyeurism of shows like these, except when an ex-housemate I really never liked went on one once. That necessitated a viewing party and the development of a drinking game. The problem with this show is, despite whatever it pretends its intent is (‘To save innocent kiddies from bad things by showing you their wobbly bits to educate the world about er…. Oh look, it wobbles!’) even the title screams exploitation. There is NOTHING to see here in the Channel 4 pop-up sex shop that you couldn’t go to a GP or a GUM clinic for.

That’s not to say I’m against televised sex-education or shows that get families talking about sex. That’s healthy. But there’s no discussion here about emotion, connection, relationships or trust. It treats sex like you’re troubleshooting a problem with your computer. There’s an awesome turn it on/turn it off again joke there that I’m not going to make. And also a ‘have you made sure it’s plugged in?’ one that I will. If, for example, your boyfriend doesn’t want to go down on you and you’ve been going out for five years, maybe talking about your commitment and other things you can do might be more mature than essentially stuffing his face into her vagina screaming ‘LIKE IT! LIKE IT!’ until he pretends to. Honestly, that smile to camera afterwards made me want to throw up my fish supper (Not a joke, but some very lovely salmon).

Sex is nice. People are talking about it more. This is good. But let’s not pretend this is actual sex education. Hell, sex education professionals are even live-tweeting the show just to correct it (see @DrPetra). This is barely even Eurotrash.

O.M.F.Glee

2011-01-11T16:35:00.000-08:00

For the UK, the second season of the saccharine and sour combination of pop and sarcasm that is Glee returned to our screens this week. (9pm, Mondays on E4). For the cool kids, however, we're 10 episodes in and awaiting a Superbowl special that if it were to be anymore hyped would only join a coalition with a lesser show, say One Tree Shitting Hill, and just piss us all off.

After a somewhat uneven first five episodes, Glee finally got back into its stride and recently has been delivering pretty decent episodes, good character moments and fun song choices. Still, lest we forget last year Glee's hiatus (Madonna aside) gave way to a fair few sub-par episodes culminating in a truly terrifying version of Quinn singing 'It's a Man's Man's Man's World' accompanied by a pregnant lady dance routine that reminds me to this day of the swimming hippos in the old BBC1 idents. Or the Dance of the Hours in Fantasia. Something mildly sexist and anthropomorphic anyway.

So as Glee gears up for the half of the season that will, in all likelihood, define whether it will genuinely last for a good run or get so absurd its audience loses patience, let's look at some lessons the show needs to keep in mind:

Make Your Fucking Mind Up About Finn and Rachel!

Nobody's that invested in them anyway. In the space of the last 12 episodes of the show they have gone through an innumerable amount of Facebook style relationship statuses from 'single' 'its complicated' 'in a relationship' and 'tonguing the fit Jewish one instead'. Pick a play. Stick with it. Allow them to develop as a couple, cos' sure as hell when solo all they do is pine for each other. To an extent, that's OK, it allows Rachel to belt something awesome out but man angsty Finn is crap. If he isn't using pejorative words for homosexual, he's singing Bruno Mars or murdering The Doors. Enough. Satis.

Ease up on the GaGa

There was a GaGa episode. Hardly any time later 'Telephone' was featured. Now Glee has first dibs on 'Born This Way' to be used a freakishly short time after that single hits. We love GaGa, we do, but her overexposure doesn't need to be reflected in Glee. They have Journey for that.

You can have more than one plot at a time

Season 1. The Glee club aimed for Regionals and there was a teenage pregnancy
Season 2. The Glee club aimed for Nationals and there was homophobic bullying

Not to say these plots aren't done well, just that other by-lines that aren't necessarily relationship driven are perfectly fine to have as well. When you've got such a massive supporting cast, a few short-term B plots couldn't kill and could actually round out talent we don't get to see that much.

Create a new litmus test

This test should be 'Would they do that on the Disney channel?' If the answer is yes, don't do it. This would cut out over 50% of the inspiring speeches and make room for more Brittany and Sue.

More Tina and Mercedes!

Girls have been sidelined this year! Tina had one of the best moments of last season with her Asian vampire schtick and Mercedes could do with an actual plot. Preferably not one to do with her body image or to do with her desire for fried potato. Again.

Fix Mr Schue's multiple personality disorder

I don't get Will. Half the time he's being inspiring, ab-tastic and genuinely marvellous. The rest of it he's swanning around like a randy peacock with an engorged proto-penis. I have never disliked him more than in the Rocky Horror episode where he took advantage of the Glee club to try and get some clunge. It makes him so much harder to take seriously when he tries to teach them actual lessons.

Only one tribute episode per half of a season

Yay Britney. Yay Rocky Horror. Having two such episodes a mere three weeks apart murdered your momentum.

My top er... 11 songs of 2010.

2010-11-07T10:36:00.000-08:00

Hello peoples. This is a post about music. Music is a things that is similar to sound except more tolerable than listening to others around you talk about their lives. This list is a little bit more butchered than I would have liked and a few artists who made some amazing Pop music this year (Kelis, Alphabeat, Joe Worricker and Sky Ferreira, I'm sorry) were just squeezed off the list. Yes, I am also aware it's November but I doubt the new Westlife album or Susan Boyle's spoken word edition of 'The Very Hungry West-Lothian Caterpillar' will shake anything out of place when they're released.

11. Kate Nash - Paris

Probably the best thing on her sophomore album 'My Best Friend Is You'. Shame her choice of singles was a little odd to say the least. Kudos to her though for not simply writing another albums worth of 'Mariella' and 'Foundations'. She was also supported on tour by the hilarious and amazing Brigitte Aphrodite who's 'Dance With A Stranger' EP is worth your attention.

10. Fiona Apple, the Punch Brothers and Jon Brion - So Sleepy

This is some sort of charity thing where established artists sing the songs of young upstarts. Well done young upstarts. Fiona is back in earnest early next year.

9. Avi Buffalo - What's It In For?

This song and this band are so hopelessly cool you should feel utterly inadequate to click the play button. They're so laid back that they have no concept of acts so contrived as clicking.

8. Sia - Never Gonna Leave Me

Sia's 'We are Born' is one of the best albums of the year. This is a fact. All you may have seen of it is the cover art on the adverts for that absurd new iPod nano. 'Never Gonna Leave Me' is vaguely reminiscent of Motown girl groups if they were a bit more bisexual, Australian and had a rocket shoved up their arse.

7. Tunng - Hustle

One of those songs that sounds really happy but is about something utterly awful. I mean not 'Jenny, Again' awful but still not very nice. Thank you very much to my mate Paul for dragging me to see them live. Yes their female vocalist really is that short.

6. Evelyn Evelyn - Elephant Elephant

Amanda Palmer is doing a side project eh? She's going to become a faux-Victorian circus conjoined twin act with another singer/songwriter? What could possibly go wrong? Result: Possibly the catchiest little ditty in ages and a live show that has to be seen to be believed.

5. I Blame Coco feat. Robyn - Caesar

Angry. Pulsating. Masochistic. And it has Robyn in it. Brilliant.

4. Hurts - Wonderful Life

A hyped band who are actually as good as people say they are. 'Wonderful Life' sounds like exactly the kind of stuff you'd expect Tears for Fears to be doing in 2010 if they were,... um.. Mancunian and mates with Kylie Minogue.

3. Joanna Newsom - Good Intentions Paving Company

I've still probably not listened to all of Joanna's TRIPLE album 'Have One on Me'. There's 3 discs and her average track length would make James Cameron impatient. Still, this is likely the best thing on it.

2. Manic Street Preachers feat. Ian McCulloch - Some Kind of Nothingness

Every time the Manics seem to be about to drop of the radar of popular culture, they do something utterly brilliant. Last time it was a return to Holy Bible melodrama, this time it's their new, bigger, busier take on Stadium rock. And there's a lot of gospel choirs. In an awesome way, not in the X Factor way. Actually, I bloody love an X Factor gospel choir.

1. Robyn - Dancing On My Own

A heart, covered in glitter and blood, being trod on in the depths of a club. Robyn effortlessly mixes personal tragedy and a banging tune so well, you'd have to stop dancing for five seconds just to deal with how epic the emotion behind the rhythm is. A career high.

Suggestions to Improve Question Time

2010-10-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

All hail the mighty Dimblebot ( seriously, check out @dimblebot)

I love Question Time (BBC1, Thursdays, 10:35pm). It's an institution. Like the Queen's speech. Or a mental hospital.

The problem with Question Time, is it's a little entrenched in itself. A few party politicians will come out with varying levels of eloquence. Some very good (Caroline Flint, Ed Davey, William Hague), some very bad (Tessa Jowell, Susan Kramer, David Willetts) and some so unabashedly in love with the party line they seem to lack individual personality or capability past that of a Dictaphone (Baroness Warsi, Sarah Teather and far too many Labour ministers for my liking). There might be a token comedy historian, such as Starkey with his odd facial expression like Doc Brown witnessing a newt molesting the delicate earlobes of Prince Charles, a random celebrity who will almost always be useless (Will Young's 'Leave Right Now' became increasingly appropriate over his hour on air, and some 'professional' who has 'insight' and by 'insight' we mean 'is usually an arrogant bellend'.

This cycle continues with varied levels of blandness and is only usually offset by a truly barmy panelist going off on one. A good example of this is the Apprentice's resident mare, Katie Hopkins, then standing as an independent MEP, going all Tea-Party and calling for elitist, free-market higher education. The Lib Dem on the panel, if I remember rightly, was horrified. How shit changes. One could also mention Nigel Farage, a man who, if he was any more sure of himself, would have to go around dressed as a textbook or Mary Beard who seemed to be channeling a Hogwarts divination professor.

So what can be done to 'mix it up' and make politics all exciting for the kiddies? Here are a few of my suggestions but feel free to leave your own.

1. Based on twitter reactions to the debate, halfway through the show, the least popular panelist is taken to stand in the middle of the studio. David Dimbleby then pours a bucket of slime over their head. Everyone returns to their seats and the show continues as normal.

2. Conservatives and Liberal Democrats have to share seats, OR, their seats are taped back to back so only one can speak at a time. They must then fight for dominance.

3. Background dancers. Everyone loves them on the X Factor.

4. When David calls on audience members he should use vicious personal attacks. No more 'You there, in the purple sweater!' and a bit more 'You there, with the hideous acne and last season's River Island cardigan behind the woman with the bad 80's perm!'

5. One edition every year to take place in an aquarium, so even if the debate is dull we can still comment on the marine life in the background. Magnificent.

6. If the show falls on Halloween, or the 13th of any given month, Paxman gets to host it.

7. If tuition fees are going to be brought up over and over, maybe get a Student representative on the panel for a bloody change! (Yes, that one was actually serious. I'm shocked too.)

Anyhoo, those are some ramblings. I am off to go do useful things like... read up on European Law. Because I hate myself.

10 Minutes in Heaven?

2010-10-25T13:35:00.000-07:00

WELCOME TO HELL, my name is Monica and I'll be invading your personal space whilst pulling increasingly off-putting faces

I love Masterchef: The Professionals more than all its other incarnations (except for Australia) aside. This woman is why. Despite resembling Halle Berry's much homelier sister, inside her beats the heart of a true sociopath.

Monica rules over the first 10 minutes of any given episode with her 'skills test'. A 10 minute challenge of technique before a chef is even allowed on the same continent as Michele Roux Jr, let alone to cook for him. These challenges used to be sort of.... reasonable. Fillet a small fish and cook a bit of it. Butcher a chicken and make a mayo. Then they went ever so slightly bizarre as Monica demanded 10 minute souffle and for entire pastry concoctions to be presented to her. For spatchcocked chickens, for tempura ortolan, for entire salmons to be pureed into an ice cream and for someone to make a leprechaun jus.

The challenge itself is the least of the contestants' worries. Whilst they try to retain their dignity Monica starts gurning and she never really stops. This woman redefines the reaction shot with all the grace of a barn owl with electrodes attached to its nethers. Wide eyed, head tilted and utterly bemused.

It still isn't over for the poor contestants. Oh no, the poor bastards still have to have their 10-minute slow-cooked shoulder of lamb tasted and judged. Whilst lovely Greg tries to be reassuring and talks about flavour, Monica has invented a whole new scale for culinary judgment: how close she would allow any given dish to get to Michele Roux Jr.

Examples may include:

'I would show that to Michele but not let him eat it.'

'I would never show that to Michele unless forced to by some demonic order.'

'I would allow Michele to gaze upon your dish from afar with binoculars and to smell it.'

'I have made a restraining order for your cooking against the proximity of Michele.'

'If Michele was on holiday in a different continent, I would allow him to become aware of the existence of your dish'.

In summary. This woman is a genius. Or evil embodied. The jury is still out.

Next week, Nick Clegg will be a flying monkey

2010-10-25T07:47:00.001-07:00

You may cut our hospitals, our schools, our councils and our charities. You can take benefits from the needy, put education out of the reach of thousands and gut the industry that forms the core of our communities. But know this, you will never take the sky from us.

Oh shit.

In defence of Katie Waissel and some other peons

2010-10-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

I hate 'controversial' TV talent show contestants. They rarely live up to their end of the bargain and the reason they are usually such 'hate figures' is because of utterly nonsensical tabloid campaigning and often bizarre levels of sexism. Case in point:

Katie 'totally bloody evil' Waissel

Breathy voiced chanteuse Katie has been much maligned for her, vicious, evil ambition which is currently set at 'pop' but may well be adjusted to 'wipe out Senegal in a nuclear holocaust' at a moment's notice. Oh, don't get on the wrong side of this one... she'll rip your spleen out, force-feed it to Louis Walsh and sexually assault the nearest budgerigar. Hell, the Daily Mail even published an article claiming she may in fact be of a satanic origin.

Katie's crimes seem to be the following:

Being a bit kooky and therefore hard to relate to than say, the damp moppet of personality that is Rebecca Ferguson
Having actually tried to get into music before and having made heinous 'career steps' such as minor record deals, doing gigs or writing songs
Daring to have a panic attack when set upon by dozens of gurning X Factor fans, clutching their Heat magazines and monster munch grab bags, in an overly crowded Top Shop.
Wearing a fucking awful colander on her head in week 1 of the live shows (actually, that one there is NO defence for)

So, essentially for having tried to get into the 'biz' before and being a bit odd, Katie is a hate figure.

Let's now look at this man.

Matt 'home cooked dinner' Cardle

Matt has also been in a band. His band have released material. He has painted and decorated things. He is a 'lad' and seemingly the under-seasoned love-spawn of James Morrison, Jamie Oliver and a dog whistle. He is as ambitious as Katie but not slagged off. This could be because he likes to wear a hat on his head and not a colander. Some part of me can't help but wonder that a guy trying to 'make it' is an ambitious, hard-working bloke. A woman trying to make it must be some sort of sharpened harpie. Yes, I know that this is hardly a complex feminist ideology but it sure as hell makes for some easy headlines...

Anyway, before we forget other controversial folks, the Jedwards and Anne Widdecombe's of this world, we must not forget the few contestants who brought it on themselves. Par example:

Emily 'I'll cut your eyes out, yeah?' Nakanda

Ah yes, the tweenage songstress with a passion for hyper-violent happyslapping who was kicked out of X Factor in 2007. There's a hate-figure (though according to UN reports the UK is awful for stereotyping children in the media as thuggish little ASBOs so I am aware I am not currently being part of the solution, though I am illustrating a wider point about hate figures) if you need one, who might actually deserve some of the hate.

Ambition is not a crime. Being weird is not a crime. Assault is. So is wearing a colander on your head.

There. Context. Lovely.

What the Chuck?

2010-09-19T15:40:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've not updated in forever. I can't say I'm too bothered however as I'm almost certain only 5 people have ever read this.

Aaaanyway. I want to talk a bit about a show that I desperately tried to avoid. Being as, a lot of my generation are, big fans of Whedon, I have often followed members of his creative team and casts in their other projects. Sometimes the payoff is magnificent: Wonderfalls, Battlestar Galactica, Greg the Bunny, hell even that one episode of Glee where Artie does some pretzel-fuelled dream dance.

Sometimes though, the connection is so tenuous or the show so rubbish (Point Pleasant... most of Tru Calling) one feels to go down that rabbit hole a step too far. So the notion 'Hey Alex! Have you seen that comedy drama where a nerd becomes a spy featuring the guy who was Jayne on Firefly being all surly and right wing?' was not of vast appeal. I was off on holiday to Egypt, needed some entertainment for the flight and decided to treat myself to season one of Chuck.

I should be clear, Chuck is not life changing. I don't feel the need to get a 'WWCD' bracelet or to allow the show's lexicon to infiltrate my idiolect. No-one is going to jump off a tower to save the world, there will be no serial killers in a hospital and (I would be stunned if) the cast running into the battlefields of WWI to turn into a field of poppies. What Chuck is, is soup. Cholent. Stew. Tagine, if you're a bit foreign. Its warm, cosy and well written enough to be 'non-trash' but really doesn't scale the heights of genre and wit that it could if paired with a slightly more creative team. But the constant callbacks to classic Bond films and video games are just delightful. There is, however, a problem.

This woman.
Yes, you might ask 'As a gay Jewish man, what problems might you have with this almost offensively Aryan woman?'. And I would respond by calling you racist. You would say it was just a joke. I would say that was uncool. You would learn something. We would hug. The world would move on a braver and fairer place.

The woman pictured is Chuck's love interest and mentor in the ways of the CIA, 'Sarah Walker'. Or Sam. Or whatever the hell her name turns out to be really. The thing with Sarah is, she is simply too perfect to both men and women at once. She exists on a level of impossible that I find excruciatingly annoying. Let's use 'gender stereotypes' to help us examine this:

Woman: Wow. Although she's tough, clever and independent, she has opened herself up to love. I know she's had issues with her parents so it makes me glad to see her in a healthy relationship and realising that her career choices, although important, don't always need to be the main focus of her life.

Man: She is blonde and has breasts.

Still like Chuck, but four seasons in and I wonder if I will ever like Sarah.

The great X-Factor auditions controversy

2009-08-27T15:42:00.000-07:00

Waa-waa-waa boo-bloody-hoo. Look, I love a good bit of social networking to comment on TV. Twitter and facebook are half the bloody reasons to watch stuff like Apprentice, Question Time and the X Factor live as they air rather than recording them for later. It's fun to have causal banter about who should win (OMFG, DIversity 4EVA!!) and who should not (Ruth Lorenzo is ttl shte haha blaad :D) or make irreverent comments about politicians (Why does Margaret Beckett look like she's been drawn by Quentin Blake?). BUT all of this pales into comparison with what happened last Saturday. Last Saturday the X-Factor auditions moved from a dingy room and just the judges to a full blown arena, with the contestants given backing tracks. A bit cheesy, a bit naff but not that big a deal.

But oh, no. Not for my mates. It ruined it all. A nameless Scottish acquaintance said that the transition from small room, to boot camp to TV studio showed the journey of the performer. But, but said I in an incredulous manner... this is exactly how Britain's Got Talent works and nobody cared then. They moan, they howl, it's just different they say. And I do not care one fucking jot. Get over it, it's still trash, you still love it and you'll gossip about it til January.

PS - Next week in the biggest telly shocker of all time, instead of the most attractive female judge sitting on his right (once Dannii, now Cheryl) Louis shall take this role instead. Why I hear you ask. Are they having an illicit affair? Did Cheryl finally get so thin she's starting to decompose and smell bad? I invite you to speculate.

Rosh Bakir

2009-08-14T16:17:00.000-07:00

The Israeli version of the popular 'Brain Wall' franchise (Hole in the Wall in the UK) is utterly sodding mental. Bearing in mind that the version we know and tolerate is doolally enough you may ask how this is possible.

In the UK version a wall comes towards you with a hole in it and you have to make the shape or else be slammed into a cold pool just behind you. In Israel, 'Rosh Bakir' aka Head in the Wall, the wall stays stationary (I am trying so hard not to make separation wall/fence comments at this point as to be absurd) and there is a BACKWARDS TRAVELLATOR contestants must battle to JUMP THROUGH a hole quite high up the wall. Were this not bad enough in a retro Mario Bros sort of way obstacles travel down the travellator at the poor bastards, knocking them off their lycra clad feet and giving them little chance of regaining composure before being sped to a splashy end.

awesome

I hate Valentine Warner

2009-07-28T17:52:00.000-07:00

I hate this man. Here is why.

1. His stupid alpaca like face. He constantly seems as if he's just coming round from the anesthetic or as if he has suffered a blunt head trauma.

2. The way he describes food is really annoying. His mint tea with sugar was 'sweet and minty'. For fucks sake.

3. I (allegedly) saw him molesting an otter

4. He seems to be almost sexually interested in pulses, beans, grains etc. and in forcing them on the public. Try my fresh peas? Nibble my broad beans? How is this not a form of grooming?

5. He called his small, lavender meringues 'fairy tits'. Then he smirked a toothy smirk and a part of my soul died.

T'telly

2009-07-17T18:03:00.000-07:00

Two shows have launched in the past fortnight about, well... telly. Similar formats aimed at totally different audiences.

In the BBC corner we have: 'As Seen On TV' a veritable smuggy chumfest hosted by rent-a-hunk celebrity-shagger Steve Jones where minor TV celebs answer TV nostalgia questions whilst making you feel old.

In the Channel 4 corner we have: 'You Have Been Watching' The Guardian and Screenwipe's razor sharp bastard Charlie Brooker's new 'mainstream' vehicle with a 'format'.

Rightio. So, which one is better?

Format:
ASOTV: Solid and dull. One imagines this was sat in some executives drawer for a rainy day. Well, it is just a classic TV quiz sort of a thing. (6/10)
YHBW: A weird hybrid between BBC4's Screenwipe and Have I Got News For You which tries to be both and manages to be neither. Confused but at least its trying (5/10)

Host:
ASOTV: Steve Jones is pretty and charismatic and just a touch too smug. But he isn't Charlie Brooker. (2/10)
YHBW: Charlie Brooker has the benefit of being Charlie Brooker. Seeing him squirm through the format and cope with an audience and guests he actually has to talk to instead of telling to fuck off is half the charm (9/10)

You know what, I could do a few more of these rounds but sod it. There's no point. YHBW is far superior to the fleck of TV dross that is ASOTV. The issue with ASOTV is, for a show about nostalgia, it's completely bloody forgettable. It only began yesterday and all I can remember is the set looked nice and the audience seemed to have been paid to laugh. Utter crap. And as for YHBW, it's nice but it just isn't Screenwipe. Sorry Charlie but you're not as funny when I'm reminded other people are in on the joke. You're much better ranting about how shitting awful the pissweasels and spunkpigeons in Brittania High are jacking off in your lounge via a webcam than being well lit on CH4 with a bunch of bohemian arseholes politely laughing at your critiques. Fix it, yeah?

A long time ago, we used to be friends

2009-07-12T17:36:00.000-07:00

Dear UK,

If you haven't seen it before you now have no excuse. Rob Thomas' (not that one) seminal high-school noir series Veronica Mars is making its debut on Freeview channels, filling the Gilmore Girls shaped void in the E4 morning schedule from Thursday the 16th of July.

Charming, brilliantly written, cute, deep, and sharp as a hanzo sword this is one show that is well-worth getting into. Kristen Bell plays Veronica, a recently ostracized high school student by day but by night fights to save her dad's reputation by helping to solve the murder of her best friend. OK, it's Nancy Drew meets Raymond Chandler by way of Buffy.

Thank me later, in the meantime here's a cute clipreel of some of the series trademark punchy dialogue

Torch-what??!!

2009-07-09T03:31:00.000-07:00

Something amazing happened yesterday. Whilst watching BBC1's ever-loving Angel/X-Files rip off summer thriller saga 'Torchwood: Children of Earth' I realised something. We've never had it so good. For three episodes in a row Torchwood has been consistently entertaining and not at all muddled and bollocks. The series usually finds itself as mediocre sci-fi adventures with quite good characters and rather rubbish 'Alien of the week' stories apart from a handful of episodes each season which totally justify the overall existence of the series.

For example, season one brought us the most unforgivably boring fight between a dinosaur and a robot ever in 'Cyberwoman', and an episode that was essentially Welsh, alien fight club. Still the season contained the truly heat-wrenching episode with Capt. Jack meeting the man he named himself for and a good-old romp in 'They Keep Killing Suzie' (a real contender for one of my favourite titles for anything ever)

Season two was generally of better quality but for every carnivorous shape-shifter impregnating brides before their wedding day (I don't care what you think, that was genius!) or cameo from Buffy's swaggering James Marsters, there were three episodes featuring the sullen face of Martha 'has anyone written me a personality yet?' Jones and one that revolved around harvesting Tesco value steak from a giant alien worm. Lovely.

COE may not be especially high-brow or cerebral but it is bloody good summer blockbuster entertainment. Sort of half 'State of Play' and half 'Torchwood' there's enough intrigue and involvement outside of the four main players we already know to make this miniseries work on a much more epic scale. So the twists are a bit predictable and the 456's projectile vomiting was a tad offputting but it's fun!! And I like fun? Don't you? Ah probably not you miserable bastard.

UPDATE 11/7/09

OK, I was wrong. Having seen the last two episodes this WAS clever TV, this WAS more than a summer alien thriller. This ran the gamut and went to Battle Royale, nay Warsaw ghetto levels in terms of questions of sacrifice, life and death. With that ending and such a strong appreciation for the plot (It's rare to see ratings go UP during the course of a series, usually you expect to see a slow drop especially for something requiring as much viewer attention and commitment as this) it's hard to see where the show goes next. If it's over, it left on a high and it's certainly impossible to ever go back to cheesy alien adventure romps, those days are beyond over. What we do know is that Capt. Jack will be in the Dr Who Xmas specials and maybe the good Doctor can knock some sense into him. Maybe not. Either way the third series of Torchwood was bloody exemplary. All previous mistakes forgiven.

Hit Me Baby One more Time - Upside yo' head

2009-07-05T18:35:00.000-07:00

So, tonight, whilst abandoned by my family for some insufferable function which involved a lot of other jews being rather Jewish and quietly kvetching over a wedding, and myself being abandoned due to lack of a decent suit (it's in an envelope in Cambridge.... long story) I found myself channel-surfing until I came across this legend on BBC3:

Britney Spears Saved my Life

Wow. I mean, I love a good sensationalist title as much as the next person. Certain titles just make you stop and want to watch with some sort of morbid fascination as to what might come next. Titles include: 'Can Fat Teens Hunt?'.... the implication being if they can't they'll die, which would be amusing in some way, 'Two-tonne Man'... sensing a theme yet? 'Kirsten's Topless Ambition' in which some ex-CBBC lady I remember showing me how to draw motion blurs when I was 8 and loved cartooning considers getting her baps out etc etc. Deep stuff. It's like that one chip left on the plate, I know it's bad for me and damn I know I'm full but I want it, if only to see if it's like the others.

I do genuinely believe that whoever made this programme (a chap named Vikram Jayanti or so I am told) did so with good intentions, he has an impressive track record and in the article he wrote for the Guardian seems genuinely to have been touched by the people he met and the experiences he recorded despite being something of a Britney-sceptic. He makes it clear he doesn't want to take the piss out of fans but rather see the grip the current Princess of pop (well, until Lady GaGa goes at her with a machete... don't mock, it'll happen!) has over her legions of fans who have defended her through it all, even her Elmer Fudd lookalike phase.

I wanted to mention that because it's important. Important in that, although this is the aim of inviting 300 megafans to dress as schoolgirls and wobble to 'Baby One More Time' whilst getting some increasingly tragic life stories on the way, it really doesn't seem that way when you're watching it. Yes, it's all meant to be, as Jayanti says, a bit ironic and the title is meant to attract the lecherous viewer but without an almost pre-ordained level of smuggery, this is not some sort of pop-cult revelation where we see a fan's relationship with the artist for what it really is, rather it ends up being the freak-show it tried to avoid being in the first place. Fans leer at the camera, sing their favourite bits, show you their collections and tattoos... comfortable viewing it is not. It's like drinking undiluted Smash Hits, passing out and then waking up during some bad Drag-Queen tribute complete with red leather catsuits, pigtails and snakes.

Throughout infrequent clips of the Britneyites queuing, learning choreography, getting dressed as schoolgirls and then finally celebrating their idol in the most misjudged dance routine since the Nepalese prisoners did Thriller(... no wait, that was actually awesome) we're invited to learn a bit about their lives. Each little segment has a similar narrative, 'This is my Britney shrine, here's my fave song... please watch me listen to it whilst I stare at the camera like there are sweeties inside, this is what Britney means to me, here is my hideous personal sob story that I have somehow related to Britney'. Divorce, coming-out, self-confidence, cancer... these are all big personal deals at play that deserve a damn sight more respect than being secondary to Britney. One of the more tragic elements of this is how the fans croon over how Britney was controlled and all-American and now she's free, something that they wish to emulate. The sad part is that even sexed up and lip-syncing her way around the globe, Britney is just as controlled as ever. False Idol worship at its worst.

At its core what this show wants you to take away is that music helps people, it takes them to a place and that can mean a lot to people; lord knows in bad times I have Joni Mitchell and Aimee Mann on constantly. What it needs to say is that the message of the lyrics do not mean that the wordsmith will save you. Hell, if you did that this would be called 'Max Martin' saved my life.

Sorry but if I see a sensationalist title and then a parade of fans with sob stories I become more, not less cynical about the subject matter. Lordy I do wish the reverse was true here but sadly I don't feel the heart that I do recognise has gone into this.